It was 4pm. I was phoning the Private Detective School of Excellence to investigate a crash course in sleuthing.

For $999, I could learn about surveillance, using a pistol, covert photography, and...grooming.

About 20 of us turned up for the first lesson - not on the docks at midnight, but in the comfort of a five-star hotel.

Three modern-day Mata Haris arrived together, dressed in identical black, with just a touch of discreet cleavage. There was a very short security guard and a computer whiz who was trying to keep one step ahead of the crooks in an industry riddled with industrial espionage.

There was a bloke who'd flunked the police entrance exam and another who'd borrowed his floppywhite suit and white shoes from a Charlie Chan set.

A video, featuring James Bond theme music, showed sleuthing toys. Featured were bugging devices and debugging devices, and a stun gun/flashlight which could drop a grown man with 40,000 volts. A telephonic voicechanger gave the illusion of talking through wet cement. Alas, there was no shoe phone.

Some of the devices, such as the pipe-bug, equipped with instem aerial, seemed charmingly old fashioned. My favorite was spy paper, which dissolves in your martini when stirred with a finger.

Image consultant Lyn Champion, who previously worked with politicians, opened the proceedings.

Seasoned investigator Frank Monte, described by the image consultant as "a man who makes Michael Douglas look tame", is a principal lecturer with the Australian College of Private Investigators.

"It is important to look like the FBI," he said, "because that's how they expect you to look. You're Mr Grey Man in the dark suit and the white shirt and hat - except they don't wear hats any more."

This was belied a little by the conspicuous tie and chunky gold bracelet he himself was wearing.

Simon the psychic is used as a guest lecturer. "He finds people for me," says Monte casually.

Despite all the gadgetry, surveillance remains a basic tool.

Operator Alan Wood ("tougher than Sly Stallone", according to Monte) teaches basic surveillance.

You learn how to avoid being followed and how many cabs you can expect to use in pursuing a subject - known as "the body". Is it possible to bug his shoes? How do you stay awake for 24 hours? How many mistakes can you make, and how many cars should you keep between yourself and the subject?

Monte defends the more shadowy aspects of the job.

"There are times when it is quite reasonable to use a lockpick. In a custody case you may need to find out how the children are being looked after."

"As long as it is not immoral, we will teach it to you."